what sets you apart from everybody else?

this is the question i've been asking myself ever since someone asked me a few days ago. i was at a rush event for a professional fraternity, and i was talking to a bunch of the brothers. i found it so easy to talk to all of them, and had no problem coming up with answers to any question they threw at me. this was probably because many of them weren't professional questions, just about interests and general biographical information. but then the last brother i talked to before i left asked me this question, and for the first time in this entire hour, i had no idea what to say back to her.

i've been thinking about this now, and to be honest, i can't think of one thing in particular that sets me apart. however, i've thought of several qualities that, when in combination, completely separate me from the rest.

1. i'm dedicated, and extremely hardworking. when i want something, i do it, no matter what. i go above and beyond the call of duty when trying to achieve a goal.
2. i am the best friend you will ever have. my friends' happiness is extremely important to me, and i will do whatever i can to make sure that they stay happy, safe, and level-headed in every way. i can empathize with a million different types of situations, and i think that helps me be an even better person.
3. i am ridiculous, in the best possible way. i can be strange and crazy at times, and i'll probably say things i shouldn't, but hey, at least i know how to be entertaining.
4. i have a very good moral compass. i know my rights from my wrongs, and i always strive to do the right thing, even if it will affect me negatively. i believe in karma, and maybe not now, but one day i'm going to be rewarded for all the good things i've done. everyone gets theirs in the end.
5. i've been hurt over and over and over again. i've been stabbed in the back and i've had my heart ripped from my chest, but i still believe there's good in everyone. i always have faith in people, no matter what they may have done to me.
6. i am genuine. no bullshit. what you see is what you get. i particularly look for that in people, but it's so much more rare than one would think.

..and at the end of the day, i can live with this.

regret.

i've never really had regret before. of course i wish some things hadn't happened at the time they had, but usually i always find a way to take something positive from the situation as a lesson to learn. and with practice, i had become very good at it up until now. but for the first time ever, i am filled with regret. painful, heartwrenching regret. and i hate it.

i've never felt this way before. i'm trying my best to get past the situation, as it has been dragged out for so long that it's starting to interfere with my life. for some reason, i can't take anything from this experience that has been positive. at least, not right now. at the moment, to be perfectly honest, i'm miserable. i can't remember the last time i felt this upset over anything, or anyone. i'm usually someone that, even if something frustrating is going on in my mind, can keep it inside and put on a happy face for everyone. but for some reason, i find myself incredibly vulnerable, even moreso than i thought i was capable of being.

i don't know how to get past it. there isn't really much i feel like i can do but directly express my feelings to the person that has made me feel this way. but at the same time i feel like it's too late, like i'm being irrational, and as though there is no other way out of the situation but to live with it, hopelessly hoping my intense emotions will just eventually deteriorate until i'm okay again someday in the future. but until whichever comes first, i'm stuck writing about it. i've talked the situation to death with any of my friends who will listen to me at this point, and i know it's probably weighing down on them too. so until things get better, i'm cathartically taking it out on my blog. i know it's been forever since i've written, and i've now interrupted the 30 day challenge that has turned into several months' time, but i felt it was necessary that i get my feelings out on a different medium of expression. maybe it'll help more than i think it will. at least, that's what i'm hoping for.

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

so it's been a few days since i've written but i really wanted to wait until i had enough time to really sit down and do this one. it's also been incredibly hectic and an emotional roller coaster over the past week and a half so i really wanted to make sure my head was right too. music is something that's really important to me because it is probably the biggest impact on mood, at least for me. so here it goes:

happy: "you make my dreams come true"--hall and oates, "another one bites the dust"--queen, "breathe"--fabolous, "jessie's girl"--glee version, "pursuit of happiness"--kid cudi feat. mgmt, "weekend jumpoff"--kevin michael feat. saigon, "bulletproof"--la roux, "my chick bad (remix)"--ludacris, feat. eve, trina, and diamond, "like a virgin"--glee version, "spread"--outkast, "better than you"--sam adams, "slide"--goo goo dolls, "she's the blade"--sugarcult, "jumper"--third eye blind, "real love"--toby lightman (cover), "big poppa (acoustic)"--broken concept (found it on youtube it is amazing), "we are all on drugs"--weezer, "toes"--zac brown band, "passd the dutch"--young money, "pork and beans"--weezer, "simple as.."--kid cudi, "electric feel"--mgmt, "somebody to love (remix)"--justin bieber feat. usher, "extraordinary"--liz phair, "dakota"--a rocket to the moon, "corona and lime"--shwayze, "hips don't lie"--shakira feat. wyclef jean, "heels over head"--boys like girls, "secret valentine"--we the kings, "stay here forever"--jewel, "paris tokyo"--lupe fiasco, "build me up buttercup"--the temptations, "sway"--michael buble, "california love"--tupac (feat. dr. dre), "tell me something good"--glee version, "got whatever it is"--zac brown band (my wedding song), "maybe i'm amazed"--paul mccartney (my other wedding song), "viva la white girl (remix)"--gym class heroes feat. lil' wayne, "power (remix)"--kanye west feat. jay-z and swizz beatz, "accidentally in love"--counting crows, "crazy for you"--shwayze

sad--"remembering sunday"--all time low, "half of my heart"--john mayer, "dance with my father"--luther vandross (yeah, makes me cry everytime), "speechless"--lady gaga, "why georgia"--john mayer, "a lonely september"--plain white t's, "going away to college"--blink-182

hyped: "misery"--maroon 5, "i wanna be bad"--willa ford, "hey"--3oh!3 feat. lil' jon, "show me a good time"--drake, "up all night"--drake feat. nicki minaj, "bottoms up"--trey songz feat. nicki minaj, "freakum dress"--beyonce, "what's your fantasy"--ludacris, "get you home"--shwayze, "be faithful"--fat man scoop, "like a g6"--far east movement, "on to the next one"--jay-z deat. swizz beatz, "run the show"--kat deluna feat. busta rhymes, "party at a rich dude's house"--ke$ha, "livin' the dream (i'm on a float)"--super smash brothers, "bad girlfriend"--theory of a dead man, "i got a bottle"--trina feat. missy elliott, "get busy (remix)"--sean paul feat. fat man scoop, "put your ass into it"--ice cube, "dj got us falling in love"--usher, "gimme that"--ciara, "baby got back"--sir mix-a-lot, "how low"--ludacris, "bump bump bump"--b2k feat. p. diddy, "juicy"--biggie, "live a little"--gym class heroes, "paranoid (party rock remix)"--lmfao and kanye west, "99 problems"--jay-z

yeah, it's a little OD, but i love music, so it was worth it. i definitely didn't put everything, because honestly i have to go to accounting soon and i don't have much time, so i just did what i could pretty much. also, i chose to eliminate mad and not put in so much sad because i listen to pretty much all of these to put myself in a better mood. i listen to the sad ones for a little and put on all of my happy/hyped songs after that to make me feel better, because i don't like being in a bad mood for too long if i can help it.

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days

the one thing i'm most proud of from the past few days: i was finally able to truly let go of a person who just kept bringing so much negativity into my life for a long period of time. i always gave and gave, but never received. everything i gave was never reciprocated, and it's been hurting me for months. it was an incredibly unhealthy cycle of having so much hope for everything to work out only to end up being disappointed. i am one hundred percent officially done, and what i'm most proud of, is the fact that i really don't care. at this point i honestly have been drained so emotionally that i've been apathetic toward giving up on this person. i can't remember the last time i was this proud of myself.

good luck, good luck

good luck in your new bed

enjoy your nightmares honey

as you're resting your head.

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

priority numero uno: fucking rock my accounting test.
dos: get to the gym/do my workout video more. halloween is so close!
tres: reprioritize. they seem to be completely out of whack lately.
cuatro: SLEEP. A LOT.
cinco: try to get some more study time in on the weekends. as of right now i don't do much since my stress level is so high during the week that all i want to do on the weekend is relax.
seis: stop wasting the free time i do get to have. it should essentially be devoted to either sleeping or doing work if possible.
siete: take it easy. like still get everything i need to done but just not freak out about everything.
ocho: make room for some new people in my life. they deserve my time an attention.

aaand i think we're good. :)

oh and just because i've been listening to it a lot lately, it's pretty old, but always good:

you want love?

we'll make it

swim in a deep sea

of blankets

take all your big plans

and break 'em

this is bound to be a while..

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

SUNY ALBANY.

so basically, college has had the biggest impact on me. i have grown and changed so much since i've been here. even within the first like month or two of freshman year. i went back to visit my high school, and some of the teachers i've worked with over the years have noticed a bigger, positive change. they've said i seem a lot more confident and sure of myself, and i really seem to know what the hell i'm doing with my life. it's always good to hear that.

but the main thing especially is all the friends i've made here. all of these amazing wonderful people have opened up my eyes to what good friends truly are, and how much some of my friends stepped on me in high school. coming here you get to meet people from all these different places who have experienced different things and have so much to share with you. my best friends here are the greatest people in the entire world, i can guarantee that. i have had so many amazing times with them, and i will continue to for the next few years that i'm here.

the only problem with college though, is just how fast it's going by. i mean, we're almost on november already of my sophomore year. like when the hell did that happen? i'm just trying to cherish every moment i can while i'm still here, because they say you will never have a better four years of your entire life. and every summer you will be counting down the days until you can just come back. and well, whoever "they" are, they're one million percent right.

drink my beer and smoke my weed
but my good friends is all i need
pass out at three, wake up at ten
go out to eat, then do it again

man i love college..

Day 06- Favorite super hero and why

my favorite superhero? never an easier question. my mother. there will never be anyone in my life who loves me more than she does (she likes to tell me that all time). i love her with every fiber of my being. i honestly don't know what i would do if i didn't have her in my life. i almost lost her to breast cancer around six years ago, and i think about it every single day. where the hell would i be without her? i can't even tell you. she's my best friend and my favorite person in the entire world. i'm actually gonna go call her right now and tell her how much i miss her. :)

the only human abnormality

is the incapacity to love.