i've never really had regret before. of course i wish some things hadn't happened at the time they had, but usually i always find a way to take something positive from the situation as a lesson to learn. and with practice, i had become very good at it up until now. but for the first time ever, i am filled with regret. painful, heartwrenching regret. and i hate it.
i've never felt this way before. i'm trying my best to get past the situation, as it has been dragged out for so long that it's starting to interfere with my life. for some reason, i can't take anything from this experience that has been positive. at least, not right now. at the moment, to be perfectly honest, i'm miserable. i can't remember the last time i felt this upset over anything, or anyone. i'm usually someone that, even if something frustrating is going on in my mind, can keep it inside and put on a happy face for everyone. but for some reason, i find myself incredibly vulnerable, even moreso than i thought i was capable of being.
i don't know how to get past it. there isn't really much i feel like i can do but directly express my feelings to the person that has made me feel this way. but at the same time i feel like it's too late, like i'm being irrational, and as though there is no other way out of the situation but to live with it, hopelessly hoping my intense emotions will just eventually deteriorate until i'm okay again someday in the future. but until whichever comes first, i'm stuck writing about it. i've talked the situation to death with any of my friends who will listen to me at this point, and i know it's probably weighing down on them too. so until things get better, i'm cathartically taking it out on my blog. i know it's been forever since i've written, and i've now interrupted the 30 day challenge that has turned into several months' time, but i felt it was necessary that i get my feelings out on a different medium of expression. maybe it'll help more than i think it will. at least, that's what i'm hoping for.
